My Teacher

In commemoration of my teacher, who I recently found out had passed away of cancer this spring, I wrote this. You were my light Amy Fortune, and I'll never forget what you have done for me. 

I dreamed about fencing. I faced against my teacher and smiled because it was an opponent I know well. Back and forth we paced. I lunged, she counter attacked. Our swords clanged and flashed as our feet danced. I flèche, she twirls. On goes our dance. The strip on which we stand becomes our world. I learn from her. Her ways, her moves. I strike for her weaknesses and she marks mine. Finally our duet comes to a close. We unmask ourselves and I see her face aglow. We shake hands and as we walk to the end of the strip, I turn to her to say one thing more. But she was already gone from me.  

A Women's Pain

Pain, a thousand needles thick
Coming twice as hard
and twice as quick
Strike true against my stomach like a drum
A beat so hard and heavy
My legs go numb
I curse the skies, my blood, my very nature
For concocting such a feature
As bleeding out the remains of an incomplete creature.
Who knows how many silent things have met violent ends
Since the start of my body's labor.

Return...

17 years, a blank slate
Nothing known, nothing seen
Thoughts drift like clouds in a empty space
The clear sky reflects my mind
My emotions still as glass
Shallow enough to walk through
I carry no deep sorrow
No heavy emotion
Yet I feel frustration
Small tremors in my peace
Distortions in my glassy mind
Why?
Could it be?
That he...
No, not possible
My world is set
The globe cannot break
Yet in the distance I hear calling
Clouds come in thick
I cannot see
The horizon that seemed endlessly
Vacant begins to call a storm
Water laps at my knees
I am sinking
Sinking
Sinking
Into my emotions
The storm rages
I am electrified
What happened to cause all this pain
Ah yes, the accident
That he...
No
I must not think
In the distant I hear calling
I must swim
Swim from this chaos I called home
Swim from the dream I have seen
Him
Me
We loved
But then he...
Died
Now this,
I am empty
The ground I stood on has
evaporated
And all that's left is a endless watery void
Why?
From his death came my life
A violent emotion of pain
Return him
Return me

Time

Tick Tock Tick Tock

Time falls away

As the days melt into one

I find myself not remembering

If there even was a yesterday or tomorrow

My life is suspended in time yet moving so fast

Even my fallen time is limited by the decaying of my skin

Tick Tock Tick Tock

The days march forward

Yet I do not

I stay in a cycle

A routine of repetition

Nothing gets done

Nothing gets undone

A life in stagnation

A day I hold for million years

Till all I am left with is

Insanity

We walk like shadows in the house

We walk like shadows in the house

A empty container of once ourselves

We enraptured in our pain

Fail to see the meaning of living again

And if we were to pass in meeting

Not one would state a greeting

We are shades that see an empty house

We see nothing here, not even a mouse

But if some stranger were to pass

They’d see shades poring in mass

The Little Bird

The little bird sings

from its ornate cage,

His mother has cut off his wing

At a very young age

The bird does not cry but roars from inside

Dreaming, not wanting the freedom it could have

And then one day

The mother no longer wished him to stay

So she threw him out to the world

No sooner then he was thrown

Did he breath, gasp and moan

Dying the very same day.

Ode to the Sunshine

The hot hand against my lips

The white light in my eyes

The heat passes through my body

And sinks into the dark green earth below

Loosen up, my legs

Let the sun strengthen your might

Open up, my hands

Let its rays hold dearly with you

Unshut, my eyes

Allow the Sun’s ray to illuminate my soul.

Ode to a Clear Sky

A blue so vibrant and bright

A wispy endless ribbon

A blue dome of might

So round and wide

I can feel myself curling with you

The silence is your roar

The mountain your seams

Your ether presences

Stretches from my hand to infinity

Night

Night is a restless time

Out of place, empty

Everyone has left the world and only darkness remains

Yet at the same time their presence permeates

Pressing you down under their heavy breaths of sleep

Night is a time for the outcast

The Suicidal, the Drunkard and Depressed

It is a time for waiting in hospitals, airports and trains

It is time to slit wrist and eat chicken soup in hotels

It is a time of stress, a time of pleasure

It is a long day, an all-nighter, a death in the streets

Night is the cold stillness that creeps in your bones

Or the hot restlessness that tires your brain

Night is cheesy soap dramas and infomercials on the TV.

Night is the ticking of a clock till sunrise
For those who can’t sleep Night is all but a magical dream.

My shadow contains a void as I face the light

My shadow contains a void as I face the light

An echo of my hallowed insides

A self-contained cry

A faceless lie

My heart is chained by the cold

Silence is the enemy

And even a crowded room is filled with muffled pitfalls

The inner social beast cannot stand to be without people

Yet the outer wall pushes them away

I am killing myself in silence
And it is silence that will bury my grave

How empty one can feel

When one so precious is still near

The silence advances

Dear Eve,

Dear Eve,

I am a single child

No pets until I was twelve

Parents traveled to Europe a lot

I came along

Most people say traveling is good

‘cause you meet new people

but,

out of the thousand I met

three were children

all were boys

I met them

was friend with them once

and never met them again

when I came back home

everyone was friends

then I transferred

to a really really small school

everyone knew each other

but nobody knew me

three years

alone

finally someone new came

didn’t fit it

and ended up like me

not like me

just in the same situation as me

seventh grade

lots of fights

she couldn’t understand me

even though I understood her

eighth grade

boys began to bully

me

she started to hang out

with them

she had big tits and a big butt

they would try to see

if they could touch them

throw bits of stuff down her shirt

me

what they expected from me

to be naïve

to be stupid

to not know of sex

to not know about love

 to not know about relationships

 I was considered invalid

Not important

Whatever I said was answered with

“shut up!”

“No, you shut up!”

“I hate you!”

I hate you

I hate you

I hate you

I hate you

I hate you

Every day

Even if I didn’t say anything

My “friend” heard it everyday

Sometimes she tried to help

she made it worse

boy: “your so stupid, I hate you”

friend: “Stop! Even if she is you shouldn’t say that.”

see

I hate you

Shut up

Stupid

Lock down

Shut down

Don’t show emotion

don’t cry

don’t get angry

what is angry?

I don’t know how to be angry

At least not at them

I don’t know how to be excited

when I should be

Or be angry

when I should be

I’m just lonely

I want friends that understands

My serious humor,

my thoughts,

the fact that

I make a big mess of my words

and have to start over again

or the fact that I wear

old sweatpants

anime t-shirts

and forget to put on deodorant 

But there is no one like that right?

Wrong

I found my soul mate.

Love is a Madman

Love is a madman,

One who has escaped from an asylum,

One who chases you down a dark alley way,

Shortening your breath.

Love comes with a knife,

A shimmering blade in the darkness.

One that strikes you with as much violence as with tenderness.

One that stops your heart in an instant.

Love flows down,

A pool of red blood,

Ever-flowing,

Never-stopping

From

Your

Open,

Gaping

Heart

Love leaves you senseless

On the floor of a dark alley way

With an open heart not knowing

How you got there and

Not knowing where to go.

Love strikes like

A madman

With a Shimmering blade

and a

Bleeding Heart

Me

Me

I am a rose compass

Complex, and intricate

Each eight points shows a different side of me

I wish I were a square

Blunt and assertive

Simple and easy to understand

I am a horse

Wise and proud yet shy and tense

Helpful to my rider, yet

Uncertain around many

I wish I were a tiger

Powerful and strong

Confident in a pack, a natural leader

I am a daisy

Honest and naive yet insecure

Reliant on the wind and sun to grow

I wish I were a sunflower

Which always stands up straight

Its face to the sun, confident and unafraid

I am the color gray

Conservative and secretive

Yet considerate to those around me

Wavering between two forces, white and black

I wish I were the color red

Powerful and unafraid

Dominant and confidant

No battle inside

I am a murmur

Quite and unnoticeable

Yet I’m still there

A subtle presence on your back

I wish I were a laughter

Noticeable to all

Able to centralize attention

And bring smiles to faces

I am fall

Manipulative and sneaky

Silently encroaching on your summer

And dampening the heat

I am a waver

Easygoing and cooperative

Ready to give up to the dominant side

Yet sensitive to what is wrong and right

Always battling inside

I wish I were a glide

Elegant and free

With no obstructions

Just clarity

I am a piano

Upright and mature

Yet forced upon by parent

To children that are too young to learn

I wish I were a saxophone

Popular and passionate

Glimmering in their golden notes

I am Santa Barbara

Whose people are creative,

Cheerful and friendly

Unafraid to party and express their love for art

I wish I were a Spanish courtyard

Relaxed, tranquil and sleepy

Filled with the heat of the sun

And a breeze from the sea.

I am the rain

Selfish, stubborn, dissatisfied

Unsure when I’ll fall

And never really happy

I wish I were a sunrise

Hopeful and heroic

A relief and assurance to all

I am a turtleneck

Reasonable and controlled

Covering up my weaknesses

And hiding my faults

I wish I were a sports bra

Athletic and unafraid

Confident in my mistakes

Lonely

The big house was still,

Almost empty

The stones were dead

And the pool turned to ice

And there was an evil moment

When all things seem to pause

The birds were silent

And the walls turned hallow

The house seem to grow bigger

And sounds echoed like thunder

A dreadful mist of loneliness seem to settle

And silently, the girl began to cry.

She didn’t stop

And with each escaping whimper

The house seemed to make it louder

The bed grew colder, the night darker

And with each passing, the cries louder

Finally the child fell asleep,

Only to wake alone once again

A box unfilled

There, a box

An empty box

An unwanted box

An unneeded box

Like me

Like me this box had a use once

But only once

After that it was thrown away

Now that’s usefulness is gone

It’s

Unneeded

Unnecessary

Unimportant

And in the way

This box like me is empty

Striped of its raison d’être

Now left empty and worthless

Alone

All alone

Like me

A bittersweet taste of chocolate

A bittersweet taste of chocolate,

a tango in the middle of the night

The erotic, the sexy

Water trickling down her hips

The scent of jasmine

A ghost of pleasure

Takes her

My love my sweet sweet chocolate

There one second

Gone the next

Trickles through my hand like the sound of water

And drips to infinity

True Friends

The truest present came in a big red ribbon

Like the one ballerina’s use

It was a book of kindness, a book of love

A book that melted my stone cold heart

And set it beating again

From the truest friend, the kindest soul

No gift can be greater then medicine from friends

No love can be stronger then kindness from friends

And no sadness can be more heart wrenching then failing to pass on the love

I am human

I choose those I love and chose those that I don't (as well as those that I don't love but am still friends with for usefulness sake)

But I hope that one day I can love all those I choose to love and love all those I choose to hate, and can become kind to both by the greatest measure.

This is what my friend taught me today